The Biggest Lesson

May 24th 2008. I was worry about the release of my final diploma examination result. It determine whether will I be able to proceed to the advance. 

Looking back at the past record, I wasn't actually put enough effort to pass every semester exam with full confidence. On the contrary, I was perhaps actually excogitating. I flunk practically one subject in every semester, but fortunately I still manage to clear all the pending one until final. It was such a very difficult life. You probably feel delirious and wonder Why am I living in such an inconsistency manner in terms of result despite having good achievement during high school final? and Where are the times that I spent upon instead of study? 

Here are the answer. Well, It's all about the grandmother stupid story again which I'm tired and feel reluctant to mention it again too. "My wasted childhood story" which still sometimes appear vividly in my mind. Very simple, I still don't satisfy with my childhood and I wish to play more. The good friends I never had, I wanna have. Places that I never go, I wanna go. Laughter I never had, I wanna laugh. Dignity I never had, I wanna have. Freedom I never had I want it back. I was like a prisoner being released after spending almost 10 years in hell. There is one inconvenient truth and uncontroverted fact is that, I haven't smile or laugh more than 10 times in a year before I come to college. Trust me. It was a total misery. But I know I can't deny the fact that I had gone too far on having too much pleasure too.

However, when the final diploma exam comes, I put more effort than I did to overhaul because I'm afraid I would fail and left alone again. To my unpredictable surprise, despite putting more effort, I found that I flunk one and which is the most cushy subject among all. Needless to say, I'm force to delay my education for 6 month. What exactly could be wrong? 

The journey that me and my 9 friends had planned before the final exam was to dwell in an apartment together. We did everything about the settlement for the rent and ready to pursue our plan in advance, because we might never find a great place to stay if we took action late. It's not worth to bet on that. On account of my failure, my dream was terminated. My passion to the advanced faded at the instant.

I was sadden and locked my self in the room and cried quietly for 15 to 20 minutes. Thinking about why, what I did, and how am I going to change? The reason I cried is not just because I fail, it's also because I knew some of my good friends are going to leave me. I missed them too much. At the same time, I also felt so ready to perform even better in advanced. But because of one failure, everything demolished. While I'm thinking in my room, I heard 2 men, 2 messages. "You are not tough enough to face problems, you can't work in my Organization and in New York City, I hate people cry, Your Fired!" - Donald Trump. Donald was actually telling a woman in the boardroom on The Apprentice, and I'm a man. I can't believe I cried. How useless could I be.

As a matter of fact, I hate keeping my self down and feel undermine. I eventually thwarted those degenerate words flowing in my mind and think of something encouraging instead. Suddenly, the most influential words echoing in my ear, "This world ain't all sunshine and rainbow, it's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you down on your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it, you me or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life but it ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward. Thats how winner is done. Now if you know what you worth, then go out and get what you worth, but you are gonna willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers say you ain't what you wanna be because of him or her or anybody, Cowards do that and that ain't you. You are better than that!" - Rocky balboa.

I remember every single words Rocky says. I was awake. I felt so imprudent for having a wrong thought, and keep holding things that I should let it go for a long time. My heart was so pain until I couldn't brief. I wanna break something so hard but I just couldn't do it. I was alone. I felt degenerated. But I always remember 2 phone calls I receive from KL. He asked me how am I? He suggested to inquire KL Tarc about my matter. I certainly knew he cannot help at all, but I'm happy because he called. "He plays Dota alot."

You have no idea how it feels when you are isolated. When you imagine how happy people were out there studying together and you cried alone at home where nobody knows and cares. I was worrying about what am I going to do for 6 month besides the resit of the subject I failed on September. I was in a shabby condition where it seems like I have to fend everything for myself. Every feeling I felt this time was absolutely unprecedented which I had ever experienced.

For so many books I read and things I learn from great people of all time, I always learn to look at myself 1st, because I always believe looser criticize. "Judge not and you will not be judge" - Abraham Lincoln. I eventually realize my mistakes that I made. Thought that I shouldn't think. Words that I shouldn't say. As the saying " Thought becomes words, Words becomes action, Action becomes habit. " I'm glad when I see everything comes out. - to be continue...