Unforgettable 6 Month War

In these frenzied first couple of days, I was horrendously aggressive to overhaul future potential calamity that I had anticipated such as "wastage of time". So I keep on attempting digging ideas and asking my self what's next, because I don't really want to give up that easy otherwise it will be meaningless. 

To me, these horrible spasmodic circumstances had brought me nowhere as it's like no direction at all. In that particular moment, I was feeling fearful to find a job because I wasn't ready to work at all. What's in my mind was still entirely college. 

The most torturing moment that I had ever faced was staying at home alone for many hours without the internet and feeling completely in an isolated island. Therefore, I eventually made a decision to rush to find a job without concerning what job am I going to do but as long I have something to accomplish. I called many friends regardless of those who failed or those who don't to get some information about job vacancies around the area. The job as a technician I enquirer a friend in Intel Corporation says I don't have diploma qualification and is not eligible. I asked some friends about sales job, and pleased him to inquire his employer whether is there any vacancies, he promised me but no answer too until today. It seems like nothing works for me at all. Finally, a friend who work in a restaurant came to my attention. I asked him everything about the job and without considering much, I've decided to work as a waiter in order to keep my self away from a devil's mind. The reason I didn't want to go out and find a job alone was because I was fearful and wasn't ready. I was thinking of having a friend to accompany me. I was very weak.

I remembered I've waited more than an hour for the arrival of the supervisor. It was 2.30 pm where the interview started. I lied whatever was necessary such as telling him I'm willing to work for years, and long hour and more in order to get the job. I didn't have a choice to choose to be honest nor to be fearful. I just know that I have to do something instead of dreaming in order to make things works for me. 

The interview last only a couple of minutes and I was asked to go home and wait for the call. However, the next morning despite waiting, worrying and did all I could, I didn't receive any call for the whole day. I keep on calling my friend who work there to ask the supervisor am I employed or not, but he was so confident and told me I will be employed and asked me not to be worried. Next day I waited again, while waiting alone at home, the house repairing and the annoying sound of drilling at the house of my neighbor for many hours almost drove me insane. I blew a gasket and thought of destroying the driller with a shotgun and force the guy to get out. Basically, this only happens in America, I was alert that I was imagining. 

Without wasting more time, I dash to the same restaurant again to confirm my status. If I'm not employ, I'll just go for another, I just don't want to wait like an idiot. This time a senior supervisor interviewed me again, I told her that I didn't received the call. After tracing the problem, we have found that actually the supervisor that interviewed me was a trainee and had forgotten to inform me at all. The contact number I left was found to be missing. I remained calm, and took that as a lesson. I had to accept that this is what you get, when you have nothing, people will play you around and taking your time for granted, never expect anyone will give a shit about you, you just have to start all over again and understand it. 

Finally, I was employed by the senior supervisor on the spot. My friend was right, there are vacancies in the restaurant. It's just that fucking asshole forgot to call me and misplaced my contact number.

The implosion of the pass dreadful situation has made tremendous upheaval in my "internal customer" otherwise known as attitude. When I faced unimaginable arduous moment along the painful journey, nothing was with me. At first I really mind forcefully, but after thinking thoroughly, I realized the seed of the problem. Maybe I failed to make people likes me, maybe I failed to practice the law of influence. Besides thinking so many maybe, I remembered a quote spoken by a businessman, "Friends come and go, when we need each other we become friends, when we don't we will leave and walk our own path, but when someday we realize we still need each other, we will become friends again, this world is all about using people, nothing is real." When I heard that, I agreed with what he said. I think we have to face the reality of this world. But I know there is a gap that separate the good and the great in terms of right thought. I choose to be great so this is what I think, "In the world of reality you see people using people, but I will choose to love my friends more although I know they are using me for instance. I will still love my friends more even they didn't bother me throughout my painful journey." You probably wonder why again. Well, everything that happens in front of us is merely created by ourself. It was a time tested experience by me and I felt happier. "A true man hates no one" - Napoleon Bonaparte. I knew my dream is colossal, and that's the philosophy that everyone have to master in order to get to the top. The principle is just merely irrefutable as it has been written thousand of years ago and was experienced by numerous military titans around the world. - to be continue...

(I was a waiter for about 3 month, the last day was 31 August 2008.)

The Biggest Lesson

May 24th 2008. I was worry about the release of my final diploma examination result. It determine whether will I be able to proceed to the advance. 

Looking back at the past record, I wasn't actually put enough effort to pass every semester exam with full confidence. On the contrary, I was perhaps actually excogitating. I flunk practically one subject in every semester, but fortunately I still manage to clear all the pending one until final. It was such a very difficult life. You probably feel delirious and wonder Why am I living in such an inconsistency manner in terms of result despite having good achievement during high school final? and Where are the times that I spent upon instead of study? 

Here are the answer. Well, It's all about the grandmother stupid story again which I'm tired and feel reluctant to mention it again too. "My wasted childhood story" which still sometimes appear vividly in my mind. Very simple, I still don't satisfy with my childhood and I wish to play more. The good friends I never had, I wanna have. Places that I never go, I wanna go. Laughter I never had, I wanna laugh. Dignity I never had, I wanna have. Freedom I never had I want it back. I was like a prisoner being released after spending almost 10 years in hell. There is one inconvenient truth and uncontroverted fact is that, I haven't smile or laugh more than 10 times in a year before I come to college. Trust me. It was a total misery. But I know I can't deny the fact that I had gone too far on having too much pleasure too.

However, when the final diploma exam comes, I put more effort than I did to overhaul because I'm afraid I would fail and left alone again. To my unpredictable surprise, despite putting more effort, I found that I flunk one and which is the most cushy subject among all. Needless to say, I'm force to delay my education for 6 month. What exactly could be wrong? 

The journey that me and my 9 friends had planned before the final exam was to dwell in an apartment together. We did everything about the settlement for the rent and ready to pursue our plan in advance, because we might never find a great place to stay if we took action late. It's not worth to bet on that. On account of my failure, my dream was terminated. My passion to the advanced faded at the instant.

I was sadden and locked my self in the room and cried quietly for 15 to 20 minutes. Thinking about why, what I did, and how am I going to change? The reason I cried is not just because I fail, it's also because I knew some of my good friends are going to leave me. I missed them too much. At the same time, I also felt so ready to perform even better in advanced. But because of one failure, everything demolished. While I'm thinking in my room, I heard 2 men, 2 messages. "You are not tough enough to face problems, you can't work in my Organization and in New York City, I hate people cry, Your Fired!" - Donald Trump. Donald was actually telling a woman in the boardroom on The Apprentice, and I'm a man. I can't believe I cried. How useless could I be.

As a matter of fact, I hate keeping my self down and feel undermine. I eventually thwarted those degenerate words flowing in my mind and think of something encouraging instead. Suddenly, the most influential words echoing in my ear, "This world ain't all sunshine and rainbow, it's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you down on your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it, you me or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life but it ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward. Thats how winner is done. Now if you know what you worth, then go out and get what you worth, but you are gonna willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers say you ain't what you wanna be because of him or her or anybody, Cowards do that and that ain't you. You are better than that!" - Rocky balboa.

I remember every single words Rocky says. I was awake. I felt so imprudent for having a wrong thought, and keep holding things that I should let it go for a long time. My heart was so pain until I couldn't brief. I wanna break something so hard but I just couldn't do it. I was alone. I felt degenerated. But I always remember 2 phone calls I receive from KL. He asked me how am I? He suggested to inquire KL Tarc about my matter. I certainly knew he cannot help at all, but I'm happy because he called. "He plays Dota alot."

You have no idea how it feels when you are isolated. When you imagine how happy people were out there studying together and you cried alone at home where nobody knows and cares. I was worrying about what am I going to do for 6 month besides the resit of the subject I failed on September. I was in a shabby condition where it seems like I have to fend everything for myself. Every feeling I felt this time was absolutely unprecedented which I had ever experienced.

For so many books I read and things I learn from great people of all time, I always learn to look at myself 1st, because I always believe looser criticize. "Judge not and you will not be judge" - Abraham Lincoln. I eventually realize my mistakes that I made. Thought that I shouldn't think. Words that I shouldn't say. As the saying " Thought becomes words, Words becomes action, Action becomes habit. " I'm glad when I see everything comes out. - to be continue...

What is Real

You probably wouldn't believe why I chose not to hold the grudge against the people that ruin my life in spite of enduring years of torment. True, I wasted on the young, I'm lonely, wasn't happy throughout my life. Perhaps you might think if it was you, you will hold the vengeance for life and think multiples ways to harm them back until they admit their mistakes and say sorry. Maybe, you think that's a smarter way to solve the problem, to bring back respect.

I thought of doing that too but I stopped, because of one word I heard Jesus says. "Love your enemies." It took me a long time to understand what it means although it look simple. 

When I imagine I look at the globe from the galaxy or via satellite or any other way. I see disasters, war, poverty, grieves, execution that practically draw the world into apocalypse. As a normal human being, I eventually broke down in tears every time I thought about the people involve in the conflicts.  

"The Six-day War (Arab-Israel war) 1967, Yom Kippur War/October War (Arab-Israel) 1973, Battle of the waterloo (Napoleon Bonaparte's Last) 1815, American civil War 1861-1865, Battle of Gettysburg (Pennsylvania USA) 1863, Pear Harbor 1941, Omaha Beach (WWII) 1944, Cold War (USSR) 1947-1991, Berlin wall crisis 1961-1989, Tiananmen Square protests 1989, Assassination of John F. Kennedy 1963, Assassination of Robert F. Kennedy 1968, Black September 1970, All the Lucky Luciano mobsters stories 1897-1962, September 11 2001" and more. 

"Saving Private Ryan" is a real life event movie directed by Steven Spielberg. The story portrays the massacre of the Omaha Beachhead assault June 6 1944 inspired by the monument dedicated to eight brothers who died during the American Civil War. In the movie, it's about a group of soldiers who sacrifices to save one man named Private Ryan all the way from the beginning. You can imagine how dreadful were the situation when you see your close friends got killed, when you see your buddies disintegrated by mines. you hear your peers scream in pain during his amputation surgery in camps. You trembled and shivered  on the beach reverberated with the crack of pistol fire and the rat-tat-tat of machine guns and bombs which will drive you insane, and the feeling of, you don't know when you are going to die. Some veterans came back from combat suffers from gulf-war symptoms. This movie taught me to appreciate my buddies, my friends, my peers and everyone around me. It also taught me teamwork and cooperation, honor. I was truly in tears when I watch this movie.

What could be worst than all these people? Some of them perish for defending their country, Some of them mistakenly shot and therefore die with no purpose. I didn't say these people are wrong whom create all these colossal disaster. Perhaps the world are meant to be like this. However, the core of these problems result from people who never satisfy, who always want to revenge, who are so hungry for glory and power. To me, I think the only thing we can do is to accept the inevitable and change in our self in order to change the picture. Thats why I took the grudge out of my equation. So I will have more time thinking about how to change the world into a better place instead of trying to create another destructive man in the vice city. Life is short, what else could we do. Please forgive and always remember to Love your enemies.

What makes me think BIG.

Recently, there was a book introduce by a billionaire real estate businessman Donald Trump called "Think Big and kick ass". But that wasn't a book that inspired me. It appears to encourage me and support my idea further, because in real, I have been thinking big since i was a child.

When I was about 5 years old, I drew a mansion on a piece of paper and told my parent that I'm going to buy it. But that's not all because everyone can imagine that. The fundamental sources that keeps me going is perhaps I have different perspective on viewing different circumstances and most importantly my life turbulence.

I'm a jealous person, but rational. When I was 7 years old, I have a rich and endearing classmate that was so likable by peers and teachers. During his birthday, so many classmates rush to gift him present. But when it comes to mine, seems like no body cares. I was sad and I ask my self "why"? 

Actually I wasn't a happy kid, perhaps that's the reason that turns me into less attractive. Guess what, at home I was punished severely with unforgettable bruises every time when I get bad grades. I was controlled like a jail bird in a cell. As an example, sometimes there are certain things that I'm forbade to say and share to my peers. If I disobey, I'll get screw up like an animal. I was thinking, if there are so many thing unspeakable, how am I suppose to communicate with my friends openly and effectively. It happens even now. I admit I'm a worst communicator.

The more I was beaten, the worse my result became. I shivered every time I hear the yelling, and I shivered even when I mistakenly heard a yelling. I was punished too often. I was harangued consecutively with immoral words.

Normal time, I was often used to compare with my cousin who is my age. Every important examination, many family members will want to know how do we do. Often time, my cousin and my brother are always the best, while I'm mostly a worthless looser. Therefore, most people often time have no hope on me. Even there's some simple computer problems, they are afraid to ask me. When they discuss about children occupation, they mention the names of everyone except me. I felt isolated and worthless. It seems like others impression on me is that I'm not capable to work too, and not capable to achieve successfully like others. Besides comparing me and my cousin in terms of exam, I was compared about height as well.

I was told continuously and repeatedly for many days, "You are a hobbit, short and never grow, you short for life!". He seems trying to instill these words in my mind for eternity. Needless to say, it does hurt deeply. The reason I had been told that way is because in real I'm short.

Fear develop gradually in my heart as I never had a chance to express for almost 10 years of life spent and never given a chance to protest vehemently. The worst is, no body actually have a notion of what really happen, because I do not want to expose these embarrassing circumstances, and even I do, no body can help me about it.

As a matter of fact, "Rome is not built in one day". It happens gradually and eventually for years and ages. Those moment almost drove me to the verge of suicide.

Year 2003, I stare at the sky for a long time. I thought of what really happens and what am I going to do about it. I recalled buddha's theory, "suicidal goes to hell". Then I say "Gee, I'm already suffer like hell, why am I going to hell for?, in fact I'm afraid to die." Hence vengeance naturally started to develop in my heart. As at the moment, It seems to me that there are no other ways to get over these.

I thought deeply. I'm going to bring my life back that had been ruin and devastated. That's the day of my turning point to start all over again. I'll bring absolute adequate power in me to be a bigger man no matter how many years its going to take. I said "If you are smart, I'm going to be 1000 times smarter. If you are rich, I'll be richer until 3 generation of yours impossible to cope with my wealth, If you harm me, I'll make you bankrupt. If you still trying to harm me, I'll kill you." - To be continue...

The article above explain a real life brief history of mine which had been kept for ages. There are no exaggeration in every words. The last part shows the evilness in me which I already no longer posses. I had discovered what is real and how to "get a lemon and turn it into lemonade - Dale Carnegie." In other words, to change the negatives into positives. However, the idea of thinking big is still in me. The story has become a motivator that keeps me going. 

Confusion of my Future

The Future cannot be predicted, nor speculate. Things that most people always wish to have often turn out differently. However, that is not exactly a major problem which will cause more people to get what they don't want in life, but until they really understand what is the meaning of determination. 

Often time when things never work out my way, i never feel upset because i knew the fact that it's not only me that face this problem, but the world including Bush. Damn, I think about War every time i see this face. F***ed!

But whatever, i'm going to share my dream job with you guys. Whether it happen to be real, it's going to depend on my luck and me.

After graduate with a degree of Electronic Engineer from the University. I have an option of either working in Electronic company or Oil and Gas company. As you know, Oil and Gas. It's the most difficult company to get employed here. The reason I say i have that option is because I have close relatives working in there, perhaps it will be easy for me. In fact I'm also very interested in that job too. So I believe I can be successful in that field. 

I thought about being a Capitalism a.k.a Entrepreneur of my own Empire that I intend to establish. I wanted to commit myself in the world of economy to make opportunity fortune for life because retiring is never part of my plan. In my opinion, I prefer to keep my self busy for life because i wanted to prevent my brain from Alzheimer. Having 2 choices made me on the horns of dilemma on choosing either one of those impeccable decisions. 

One is working for money and retire, another is venturing into entrepreneurship which is consider riskier. 

Some people ask me, "Eric what's on your mind, I don't get it because you are an Electronic Engineer student. What the hell draws you into Business or Oil?"

Well, we are now in the information age, and soon I have no idea what it's going to be but for sure, it's going to be all about extra advance Technology. I'm preparing for the future Technology with the current knowledge I'm studying. At the same time, you know what it takes for you to work outside like a normal human being? Its a God Damn Passport (Certificate of Degree or Master). No body gives a shit of what your are studying as long you have that passport and have the brain. 

We are all venturing in this world ever since we are born. Perhaps I might be wrong, but that's not part of my concern. I just believe everybody should have their own dream and put every effort to achieve. - To be continue...

Eric's Blog Introduction

Welcome to Eric Tham's Blog introduction. After I've been through countless of life turbulence, I've decided to share some of my inner thought that i never mention in every conversation in Blog. I'm a dreamer, better known as a realistic dreamer. Owing to the fact that i often dream with reasons base on adequate knowledge and fundamental principles. Of course, also with the intention to make dreams real. 

Basically, I was a child who was treated harshly and had been through countless of emotional breakdown. However, I have chosen to "Forgive and Forget". On the contrary, I somehow appreciate those moment because it made me grow wiser. Besides, I've also faced pathetic failure as everybody does in every aspect of live. However, again i feels i become diamond every time i solve my troubles with courage.

Perhaps there will be many things I view differently from many people. But there is one thing for sure that i'll have in common with all buddies. ... Have fun. Spending time playing Half Life with my friends has been the craziest and most fantastic moment I've ever been. Every thing will be just F***ed up when we get high while playing. 

Ladies and Gentleman.  I'm going to stop and welcome you to my world.